An Honest T-Break Journal Part I
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After doing some research on tolerance breaks, I decided maybe it’s time to try one for myself. In case you haven’t read our article on tolerance breaks (t-breaks), you can read it here. I chose to take a tolerance break for a few reasons. One being that I am constantly smoking. From the time I wake up until I go to bed, I’m rolling up and smoking throughout the day. A little time off wont kill me, although before I started my t-break, I was concerned about how I would cope with my anxiety without being able to smoke. My primary reason, though, was to lower my tolerance. Since I smoke so often, the cannabinoid receptors in my brain are pretty much desensitized. So in order to feel “higher,” I made up my mind that I will not smoke for a whole week, and document each day.
this post was written to share honest reactions, emotions, activities, etc. experienced when cannabis was removed from my everyday lifestyle. to help others understand what to expect when taking a t-break or detoxing from marijuana.
I found myself really wanting to smoke. It was heavy on my mind from the instant I walked in my front door, because that’s usually one of the first things that I do after getting settled in at home. But instead, I tried to occupy myself. I tidied up around my house, continued doing my laundry, cleaned my kitchen. I found that little messes and things out of place were bothersome, as they may have been if I were high, but I didn’t put off cleaning until later, which I usually do. Honestly, I like to smoke and then clean. Or smoke WHILE cleaning (I know, weird concept but yeah, that’s what I do). Then I got to the point where I couldn’t find anything else to clean, so I sat on my couch and watched nostalgic shows like Martin and I Love Lucy (because nostalgia makes me happy). But I found myself wanting to smoke while watching TV because, that’s usually what I do. THIS PART was very hard because I found myself not really paying attention to the TV; rather I was thinking about wanting to smoke. One thing that kept me going through this is constantly thinking to myself “I WANT to do this. I would be disappointed in myself if I gave in.” So I didn’t.
Not too long into watching TV, I was uninterested. I needed to find something else to do. So I started to write. Writing has always been therapeutic for me, so I penned all of my feelings. Things that bothered me, things that made me happy; I wrote some letters that I will probably never give out. I found that writing without purpose helped me get out some emotions that I was holding in and put them into words. I may not show people what I wrote, but I do believe writing down my feelings will help me verbally express them in the future when needed. After I finished writing, I felt like, a natural high - as if I just lifted so much weight off my shoulders. That made me feel proud that not only did I not give in, but I felt as if I had just smoked without even smoking.
After I wrote, I went to sleep. I’ve always thought to myself that it would be easier to start a day smoke-free than to wake ‘n bake, and not smoke for the rest of the day. However, waking up today, the first thing on my mind was smoking. I found myself looking at the ashtray on my nightstand and glancing over at my rolling tray multiple times. It was pretty annoying, honestly. But I decided to get in the shower instead of lounging around because usually while I relax, I’m smoking. I gave myself a mini spa treatment, trying to waste time and stay occupied because I know in my idle time, I would want to roll up. I felt refreshed after my shower, but still glancing over at the rolling tray, eyeballing the weed, noticing a rather large clip in the ashtray. I even accidentally kicked my boyfriend’s bong over on accident (don’t ask why he leaves it on the floor) and had a mini fit. Why would he leave this here when I’m trying not to smoke!? Meanwhile, the bong is always in that spot so I may just be a little agitated that I’m not smoking.
I only had a short amount of time before I had to go to work. So I did my make-up, watched Living Single (more nostalgia) and headed out for my night shift. I usually do smoke before work, but I noticed that since I hadn’t smoked all day, I wasn’t really craving it. Probably because I kept as busy as possible. At work, though, I found myself in the middle of an argument with one of my good friends and was very emotional about it. To be completely honest, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and cry real quick. I had a borderline anxiety attack in the bathroom and thought about going home. But I had to convince myself that I can do this. I kept repeating in my head “You can do this. Don’t give up. Besides, if you go home, you’re gonna wanna smoke!” I took a 5 minute break, pulled myself together, and worked through the rest of my shift. However, I do know that I’ll be facing the same problems when I come home from work and walk in my front door again.
what i learned:
Mind control is imperative. Breaking habits is hard, but picking up old habits in place of others is just as enjoyable. Be prepared for the worst, but also expect yourself to adjust to a new norm. It’s not that hard to function without marijuana.
Even though I expected to have a strong desire to smoke as soon as I got home from work, I decided to challenge myself. I went home and tried to do absolutely nothing - no cleaning and no TV. I actually sat in silence in my living room just thinking. I thought about changes I wanted to make in my life for myself, the good and bad of the relationships I have, activities I want to do this summer… my mind pondered on a lot. And yes, I honestly did glance at my rolling tray, and the weed sitting on it, a couple of times. Not the ashtray, though! (if that means anything) I did think about smoking, but the two things that kept me from doing so were, 1. me writing this blog post; I can’t give up after one day! and 2. how proud I was that I didn’t smoke at all the day before.
Usually, smoking after work helps me fall asleep. But since I’m not smoking, I had to tire myself out. I’ve noticed before that laying down and scrolling through my phone makes my eyes sleepy. So I scrolled through Instagram and Facebook until I literally didn’t care what I was looking at anymore, I was just scrolling to scroll. Needless to say, that didn’t make me tired. Then I tried to put a sleep mask on my eyes to force my eyes closed - I laid down for about 15 minutes before I gave up on that. When I took off the mask, though, my vision was blurry. I had a little anxiety attack, and cursed out the sleep mask because I only used it because I can’t sleep. (My irritability has been on 100 since I haven’t been smoking) I spent about 20 minutes blinking and rubbing my eyes to get my 20/20 vision back. Then I decided to write, again. I listed some pro’s and con’s about myself and what I realized is it’s easier for me to list my con’s than my pro’s; so that’s something I personally need to work on.
While I was thinking of pro’s and con’s, I started falling asleep, which made me excited. Five hours of trying to occupy myself and now I’m finally tired! I went to sleep and woke up about an hour or two earlier than I usually do. I’m not sure if that’s because I didn’t have cannabis in my system to keep me asleep, or if I just wasn’t that tired. But when I woke up, it was easier than day one to get up, take a shower and prepare myself for work again. Of course, in my idle time I thought that I wanted to smoke but I didn’t and went in for my shift sober, again.
what i learned:
Habit's aren’t hard to form, but very hard to break. I was able to focus more on my pride rather than my habit. I was prepared to be tempted, but honestly, thinking that it will be worse than it turns out to be makes the outcome more satisfactory. It is definitely getting easier to function without marijuana.